Monday, 28 October 2013

Top 10 things I hate about modern games [Anton's Opinion]

1. The colour gray/brown is everywhere

Take a look out your window right now... Go on, I'll wait...

Notice anything? It's autumn in the UK and that means everything is gray. Infact most days the UK looks gray, which is why I find the current crop of 'realistic' modern games a miserable place to be.

Why play games? Escapism and entertainment.

Why escape the real world to find an equally shitty one in your game but with more violence?

Talking of crappy/lazy art styles...

2. Bloom lighting

Hands up if you have experienced this phenomenon in the real world?

If you have see an optician.

3. GAME shops (UK chain)

'hay buddy! , what brings you in today? '

I need a shovel please... This is the store 'SHOVEL'?...  Oh it's not... Its GAME... Must of read that wrong.

I have multiple retail backgrounds, calling someone mate, bud, Bro, or any other pet name is insulting to the customers intelligence. Just say hello like a normal person and ask me if I need any help.

4. Bro gamers

Last time I played an open Multiplayer game (BLOPs if I remember rightly) I almost instantly got called a Jew, a nigerian, a homosexual, and a Pussy... 

I would have been offended if I wasn't actually a Gay-Jewish black cat from Africa.

What is it about online games that turns everyone into Nazis?

I lied about being a cat by the way, if you want to insult me call me tiny dick... Its true and it'll hurt me more but ensure you do it to my face so I can properly thank you for sharing.

5. Internet dependent service

Last night I had to sit for an hour because my SNES was updating it's online store, so I turned on my Megadrive to pass the time but low and behold it needed to install a patch to enable Facebook...

Oh hang on... no, that didn't happen. I played a game. Immediately.

6. Big budget games

Believe it or not big budget games are aimed at big markets, it takes big money to pay a big team to make a big game. So if they make a big gamble on a new IP and it doesn't pay off big, the only big thing to materialize is big ques at the job center.

Creativity is risk, you want to stand out, go indie, you'll not be responsible for 250 people not being able to feed their family.

Which leads me to...

7. Sequels, sequels, sequels

Same shit, different console. The last game sold well, so why not sell it again? Profit!

8. Gamer scores/trophies

My Internet dick (vagina?) is bigger than yours!  Are we meant to be impressed you completed 20 shovel-ware games to reach the awe inspiring number you have? Trophies aren't quite as stupid if they genuinely are challenging, but to be fair you'll be the only one who cares so why fly a flag about it?

This is nothing more than a tool from the industry to sell more [shit] games.

9. Wireless pads

I use wired pads as a general rule, this means the pad doesn't stop working when it feels like it, unlike everyone I have played online. Battlefields full of people standing still because they forgot to charge their pads.

You know what stops this happening?

A wired pad. If your wire doesn't reach, you know what we did back in the day... Sit closer

10. Fan boys

Microsoft don't love you, Sony don't scribble little hearts with your name in them in their diary, and Nintendo are too busy taking hallucinogenic mushrooms to understand the real you.

Buying a system for its brand is like drinking bleach because you like the colour of the bottle.

Just stop it already, sure this isn't new but at least during the Coleco/Atari, Spectrum/C64 and Sega/Nintendo wars there were different products with different architecture,  content and strengths. Also now we look back and see they all had a place, purpose and remembered for the content.

...Apart from the Atari jaguar. That was terrible.


[BTW this piece is intended as satire, so climb down from your soapbox]

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